It's funny how life works. You know last night I spent hours writing about happiness and my life finally getting back to where I wanted it, and I was going to finish it tonight. But what's the point?
Because obviously my life yet again had to take a turn, and had to pretty much say "fuck you" all over again.

Why is it I let the people in that shouldn't be let in? Why do I try to find the good in absolutely everyone? Because all that ever happens, is me getting hurt by it. Why do I let people get to where they can walk all over me? Why the fuck do I care so much? Why can't I just stand up for myself and not let this happen.

I finally find my happiness again, things finally start going the right direction, and one negativec toxic and jealous person comes along and screws it all up for me. I swear I build myself up the best I can, and just turn on the self destruct mode because in reality I'm doing it to myself.  Why can't I love and respect myself enough the not let this happpen. Why? Why do I leave so many unanswered questions to myslef. My own questions to myself, eat me alive, they pick at my brain, they cause me to stress and over think. I just want a little bit of peace, I want something to be clear for me just once, and not just a blur

spinning

One thousand words to say, one thousand words to write, one thousand words to think, but not enough paper and not enough ink. Confusing their and there and they're or to and two and too as one in the same, because my mind plays tricks and treats life like a game. 

And here I am typing it up and spitting it out to some invisible rhythm, my mind on a fast track to a huge collision. Because see love and hate play along this fine line of right or wrong and you can’t just keep riding along. Until boom bang crash all of your life gone in a flash. 

And still too much to think, too much to write, and too much to say but you let things get in your way. Like all the dos and donts the cans and cants the endless laws the endless rants. Like all the I should of could of would ofs in the world you’ll leave behind left on the whispers of wind. Because life is too short to have a second to stop and contemplate what’s our reason what’s our fate? And one day it’ll be an epiphany a small moment of brilliancy. Until then it’ll seem like too much of wishing and waiting and wanting that looking back on you’ll find haunting. 

Because you could have been chasing adrenaline and adventure but you played it safe and thus your life was censored. Because there’s one thousand words but not enough time to make a thousand blurbs. What if your life was transparent? What if people saw every part of you? All the mistakes, secrets, and joyful times in your life were exposed. Every text message, picture, and relationship was out in the open. 

Would your life measure up to who you claim to be? Would your testimony be proven true or would the reality of who you are be revealed? 

Making some Art....and messes!

Well, I figured we'd have some fun yesterday with some paint since the kids seemed pretty bored and wanted to get dirty so I pulled out some canvas and washable paint!

Clearly Addison was THRILLED!

And a tad bit hungry..... Don't worry it's non-toxic and I didn't let her eat the whole thing... Just one little lick so she wouldn't do it again!

Gabriel on the other hand was just painting away, and so happy to be doing so! 

Once "Sissy" saw how focused her brother was she decided that it wasn't that bad and ended up loving it! 

Needles to say they had a blast, Addison was pretty proud of hers and carried it around with her for a good 25 minutes 

Gabrie was pretty proud of his too! 

Now we will pack them up and send them to Momo and Papa so they can hang them up!

Life as A Stay at Home Mom

In a perfect world being a stay at home mom means being able to sit on the couch and watch TV all day not having to move a finger. Lets be honest though, this isn't a perfect world and that is definitely not what I do during the day.  I am a mother to two crazy, opinionated, loud and happy kids... And two very very stubborn dogs. I drink way more coffee than I should and I pretty much plan my life around it. But let's be honest it's probably better I drink it so in not a monster.

I want to add, that being a stay at home mom is definitely not a luxury, I mean yeah it's awesome I get to stay home and watch my kids grow into who they are and be with them every second of the day, but it is also very stressful and sometimes depressing... Although I tend to only get depressed when I run out of coffee and food. People often underestimate exactly what a "stay at home mom" does. They often think that we just lay around all day and watch TV and relax. But let me tell you, it is far from that. It's cleaning and cooking, changing diapers, doing laundry, cleaning up spilled drinks and food, giving about 3 baths a day because your kids find everything to get into that makes a mess.  Let me add, trying to live off of one salary is also not the easiest thing in the world, but with money management its possible...and the salary off a police officer is might I add pathetic....considering what they do!

I get maybe 10 minutes of time for myself during the usual day, 20 if I'm lucky. The only time I'm ever on the couch is with the kids and trying to sit through a god awful episode of sponge bob, but at least it isn't Peppa Pig....that show is banned indefinitely in this house! Do my kids care?  No they don't. Why? because that show is Satin in form of a tv show and is so intolerable to even explain!

I am a personal chef everyday, I make my kids breakfast everyday.... Okay maybe not everyday but pretty dang close. It's usually either eggs and cheese with some toast in the side, or some cinnamon pancakes with some syrup and juice. More often than not, the food I spent all morning making is fed to the dog because the kids would rather have Cheerios or Captain Crunch. I mean yeah it's good but come on my cooking is way better! As hard as I try to make my kids eat healthy, if they want cereal at least they're eating. I can't say I didn't try! In the midst of it all, I usually forget to eat and end up going all day without food and just snacking at the most inappropriate of times. 

The same thing usually goes on at lunch time too, but I still try! 

I feel like in the course of a day I hear myself say "No" more than about 100 times. More towards my stubborn puppy than anyone but still, she's one of my babies too! I say things during the day you wouldn't typically think you'd say, like "Hey stop putting cars in your underwear " or "don't put noodles in your sisters hair" but in the end it just goes to show you the joys of motherhood!
Going through the day I'm pretty sure I'm doing atlas 10 things wrong. At least I try my best though!

I have to be an entertainer thought out the day, no it is not as easy as it looks. I have to make blanket forts and pretend I'm a dinosaur or horse, or whatever else I am supposed to be during the day. More often than not questioning my sanity. I have to teach my kids how to use their imagination and to never grow up! 

I am a maid.....I am pretty sure I clean all day, mostly because I'm OCD and totally hate seeing a mess, and on the other hand I just love seeing my kids be able to make memories with their toys and continuously dump them out all day and be grateful for what they have!  And for another reason of. Have you ever stepped on a hot wheels car?  Well it feels almost worse that putting a stun gun on yourself and shooting the electrical currents on yourself... Yes I'm curious and I've tried it, so there is another reason I'm always cleaning.... Because stepping on toys when you're in a hurry to get something does not feel go good!  Not only that, but GERMS, they live everywhere. I honestly don't believe there is enough bleach in the world to keep everything clean. I am a net freak, yeah i have to wipe down my walls everyday, and okay maybe I take it a little to far when I clean my sink and dry it so its clean, but at least I know that my house is clean and I have tackled 99.8% of the germs that are laying around!

I mean, how can you get mad at a mess when the person who made it is just so cute!

Addison is just the innocent bystander who doesn't really make the mess, she just plays in it and trys to figure out how to walk through it! 

I am a Person Guide everyday.... Life is hard for children, and they need guidance and I feel like I am hard on them at times but it's because I love them. Being with your kids all day is amazing, but I think people often forget about all the crying you can listen to in a day, and the amount of times a child gets hurt and how you constantly have to be right on your toes because, they just don't know any better! It's hard, it's stressful. I have no one to talk to during the day that really understands what I what to talk about so I keep it to myself...

I listing to my kids fight over toys and try to not get involved because they'll figure it out! 

I think I do about 5 loads of laundry a day, I mop my floors around 4 times a day. I always try to have the whole house cleaned before the time Michael gets home so I can sit down and try to relax when he gets home. Getting dinner made with a 1 year old is nearly impossible, but she has become a growth on the side of my hip that never moves.  

I always have a hard time at bath time, the bathroom usually ends up looking like a pipe busted, and I usually end up soaked but at least I know my kids are clean! 

My kids have a pretty bad sleep schedule, not because I'm a crappy parent, but because they really just don't like to sleep and they don't want to miss anything that goes on during the day! 

I usually get a good four hours of sleep during the night, because well I stay up late so I can just have a little bit of your time and watch my tv shows that I've missed all day long while watching paw patrol and Sofia the first! 

But in the end of the day, there is no greater feeling than knowing you made your kids happy, and took care of them and saw every milestone they've ever had. I've been doing this for 3 years and I'll forever do it for my kids because as long as they're happy that's all that matters. 

I pride myself on makeing sure my kids are happy and healthy. I am lucky I get to stay home all day long with my kids. Although I  wish I was "just sitting on the couch all day" I don't think that'll ever be possible with my two kids! 

but the best part of the day, is when they finally go to bed because they're just so much more peaceful when they're asleep! 

Being A LEO Wife

I'm often asked what it is like to be a "Police Wife"

Though it is great, it is challenging. I do not think others understand what really goes on in this life.

I wake up to the sound of Michaels' phone alarm; 4am sharp and as soon as I hear that alarm, I pray. I pray that God watches over everyone on his shift and most importantly him. I constantly wait by my phone for just a text saying "Hello", because with that text I know he is safe. There is no such thing as an 8 hour day, although I wish there were. Sometimes a 12 hour shift can turn into a 20 hour shift. A simple traffic stop can turn into a drug bust, another officer can need backup or simply you are just stuck doing reports (BOO)

Sometimes I will spend all day in the kitchen cooking a nice dinner for the family, when I'm usually just eating alone, and putting his in the fridge. I often have to put the kids to bed myself, and try to explain to them how much daddy loves them and that he's working so we can sleep safe tonight. Making plans and having a "date night" is never something you should do because more often than not, he gets a late call or is stuck on a call and things just end up not going the way you have planned. I am grateful to be able to keep him awake long enough when  he gets home at night to be able to talk to him. and you will learn not to take it personally when even at your best, you can not compete with exhaustion. 

Holidays and special occasions just have to be worked around and pushed onto a different day. Driving in the car together turns into a game, spotting the cars he would pull over and what for. 

You will learn to laugh at things you could never even imagine. Like hearing about a prostitute on her period bleeding in his patrol car. Or just really anything he encounters during his long 12 hour shift.I have found a way to block out the news while he is on shift, so I don't find myself worrying all day. 

Being a LEO wife, means being as dedicated to his love of the job as he is, Putting him first, not out of sense of duty or out of submission or control, but out of love and respect for all he faces every time he walk out of the door. Its realizing its not a job to him, it is who he is. You often learn that being frustrated is normal , but being angry and resentful is not an option. There is a reason Officers choose a profession with immense stress, non-existent holidays, huge potential danger, horrible hours and low pay. It is because they are called to duty, they are compelled by a desire to help those in need, to make a difference....to protect and serve. Being a LEO wife means having a mutual respect and understanding of the fact being willing to make the continual compromises and sacrificed to enable your LEO to be able to head off into the night in the best frame of mind he possibly can have.
 

Although I find myself wanting to complain about not being able to have a break, I have to sit back and realize how easy I have it, and i have it that way because I have this amazing man that stands before me and takes care of me and our children. I feel as if i have to be his backbone, to keep him levelheaded and happy because of this stressful career that he has. I have to be reassuring and confident in everything. Yes it is a challenge, but I promised him I would always be strong for him, and that is what i will always do. 

There are many people out there that view cops as crooked, lazy, donut eating fools. With a chip on their shoulders and pride swelling due to a gun carrying power. There are bad people in every profession, and there are also good people in every profession. For the good ones, consider and remember this.....

Police Officers live each day fully prepared to lay down their lives for any given stranger at any given moment. They spend countless hours away from they family to help protect yours, and they will face those persons with nothing to gain when they themselves have everything to lose.
I LOVE MY LEO.